Bother
by LilaStar
Summary: Songfic regarding how Remus deals with losing Sirius. OotP spoilers, very depressing/sad...Can be taken as slash


AN- very short, dark songfic about post-war Remus. OotP spoilers included. Can be taken as slash, but doesn't half to be. Warning, it's depressing. Song is 'Bother' from the Spiderman soundtrack, by Corey Taylor. Inspired when listinging to the song in the car today. Enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer- Neither the song, nor the characters are mine.  
  
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Wish I was, too dead to cry,   
  
A self affliction face...  
  
Stones to throw at my creator,   
  
Masochist to which I cater.  
  
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The war was over. Remus Lupin had made it through once again, by some unknown twist of fate he was here. It seemed almost everyone he had ever cared for was gone. Fate was screwing with his life again. First he was a werewolf. Then James and Lily died. Peter was thought dead, Sirius was in Azkaban, believed to be a murderer and a traitor. Then he had Sirius back for a few short years before fate once again ripped him away. And he couldn't follow.  
  
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You don't need to bother,   
  
I don't need to be.   
  
I'll keep slipping farther.   
  
But once I hold on,   
  
I won't let go till it bleeds...  
  
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What was the point now? There wasn't one. There was nothing left in life to live for. Harry was safe. He'd made sure Harry stayed safe. For James, for Lily, and for Sirius. The people he loved, cared for. Gone. Yet he was here, hanging on to life so Harry could be safe…  
  
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Wish I was too dead to care,   
  
If indeed I cared at all.   
  
Never had a voice to protest,   
  
So you fed me shit to digest.  
  
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The full moon was coming. It would be here soon. Remus sighed and looked at the goblet of Wolfsbane potion sitting on the table in front of him. What good would it do to keep his memories? He didn't want them. He'd never had a choice in this, Snape would just show up every time the full moon came with this stinking goblet and sit there, making sure he drank it. But no, now he was gone too. So no one was forcing him. Why not…? Remus stood up and took the glass to the sink where he slowly poured the mixture down. A grim smile crossing his face as he did so.  
  
'No memories to haunt me tonight.' He thought dryly, leaving the kitchen and walking towards the basement, he'd be spending the next several hours there after all, a raving, lonely monster.  
  
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I wish I had a reason,   
  
My thoughts are open season.   
  
For this I gave up trying,   
  
One good time deserves my dying...  
  
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Remus sat down on the old couch in the basement. The doors were locked and guarded. He wouldn't be going anywhere tonight. WHY? Why did it have to be this way? Why did everything have to end at once, every bit of hope lost. And everyone could see it in his eyes. He'd tried so hard the last few years to hide it from Harry, make him believe he was coping with the loss of Sirius. But then, there wasn't really any way to 'cope' with losing someone you love that much. Love. Love was meaningless now. Everything good in life seemed to be gone. At least Voldemort had gone with it, but it almost didn't seem worth it.  
  
The sun began to set.  
  
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You don't need to bother,   
  
I don't need to be.   
  
I'll keep slipping farther...  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go till it bleeds...  
  
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Why did people even bother asking how he was holding up? The fact was he WASN'T holding up, not at all. Not without Sirius, he couldn't 'hold up'. Sanity was slipping away faster every day. Nothing was going to slow it, not even the transformation into the wolf.  
  
The full moon was rising. It begins, and ends.  
  
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Wish I died instead of lived,   
  
A zombie hides my face.   
  
Shelf forgotten with its memories,   
  
Diaries left with cryptic entries...  
  
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Moony howled that night in the basement at the transformation was complete. Howled with despair for the loss of his pack, all the old days at Hogwarts, the nighttime wanderings, the friendship, the love. His PACK. They were missing. Why was he still here? Why weren't THEY here? Why did they have to LEAVE? Where was PADFOOT?!?  
  
Memories. A big black dog licking his muzzle, rubbing his head against him as if to say 'Here I am, I love you, you're my friend. Let's play!' Where was he?!? Moony lifted his head and howled again in despair before turning to his own flesh. Blood. Comfort…  
  
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You don't need to bother,   
  
I don't need to be...  
  
I'll keep slipping farther...  
  
But once I hold on,   
  
I won't let go till it bleeds.  
  
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There, a leg was cut, another cut along his back. Moony felt reason slipping from him as he attacked himself out of his grief and anger. His blood would spill. His life would bleed. He'd find his Padfoot.  
  
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You don't need to bother...  
  
I don't need to be,   
  
I'll keep slipping farther...  
  
But once I hold on...  
  
Once I hold on....  
  
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The sun rose slowly and with it Remus awoke from his injured stupor. He was dying and he knew it. He'd lost too much blood. He smiled at the irony of it all. Fate had granted one last wish for him. He was slipping now, slipping into darkness…  
  
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I'll never let down my deceased.  
  
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"I'm coming Padfoot."  
  
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R&R? I know it's depressing, don't sue me! 


End file.
